GALLOPIN’ GRANDMA: Fish out of water

By on June 25, 2013

JACKSON HOLE, WYO – When I grew up in the great out there, the closest I came to nature was Gertrude, the giant mama pig on my uncle’s farm, and Wilma, the possum who came by to eat the cat food my mother set out. When I came here, I was informed that I would find nature a religious experience and I would be transported by joy and wonder. I am still wondering.

As long as nature keeps its place, it’s OK. I don’t mind an occasional moose looking in my bedroom window and I guess the mountains are not going anywhere soon, but I draw the line when nature gets wet. I don’t like water. I don’t want to be on it or in it, and I don’t want to meet anything that is.

Have you taken a good look at some of our underwater friends? Did you know a lobster is an insect? How about dining at The Red Insect Restaurant? Do you really want to be acquainted with that mean nasty thing with feelers lying on your plate and looking at you with bulging eyes? I don’t want to meet my lunch.

By the way, crabs are spiders. How about that crunchy deep-fried, soft-shell spider sandwich? Have you been to Joe’s Spider Shack? Yum!

I don’t know what a squid is, but I have a recipe that calls for one. It doesn’t say how big a squid or what to do if it crawls up your leg and tries to eat your cat. Why not just eat a bunch of fried rubber bands? A little hot sauce and you won’t know the difference.

While I hope you are not going to eat that cute little goldfish you bring home from the pet store in its cute little bowl, if you throw it into a lake it will never stop growing. By next year it will be as big as a suitcase. Be careful where you step the next time you go to the lake. That goldfish is not going back into that fish bowl anytime soon.

In conclusion, now that I have ruined your lunch, I think nature is what you want it to be. In my case, nature can stay out of the water. Remember, something you wish to meet and make your friend may want to return the favor and their “hello” may not be the same as your “hello.” Just make sure you have tartar sauce and lots of lemon slices. Happy eating.


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