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REDNECK PERSPECTIVE: Subsidize Hoback pole dancers
JACKSON HOLE, WYO - Uncle Jed wanted me to write a proposal to the Wyoming Business Council for a $1.5 million economic devolvement grant. Uncle Jed lived with his girlfriend Thelma, and Scooter, his blue heeler, in a blocked-up camper in Hoback Nation.
“I want to add a vertical greenhouse under the new Snake River Bridge in Hoback,” Jed said. “If they can pay $1.5 million for a greenhouse next to the town parking garage then they can give Hoback $1.5 million for one.”
“But there is no bridge!” I pointed out.
Jed was undeterred. “I guess I’ll have to remodel the camper, put the greenhouse on the south side.”
I was confused. “You want to grow vegetables?”
Uncle Jed credited his longevity to the famous Hoback Diet, as seen on Oprah and created by local health guru Cletus McGee. The program recommended a protein-rich diet of bacon, poached elk (and we are not talking about elk cooked in boiling water) and tenderloin of roadside Snake River Canyon mule deer. A baked potato was as close to a vegetable as the diet came.
“Vegetables?” Jed sounded shocked. “Hell no! I’m planning on growing pot.”
“Pot? In Hoback! It doesn’t seem to fit with the culture of dogs, guns, beer, Jack Daniels and pickups,” I said.
“Hoback is becoming modern,” Jed told me. “Pete just got a plasma TV for his trailer, and his daughter Bess would have graduated Beauty School and had a full-fledged career if she hadn’t gotten pregnant.”
“I don’t know,” I said. I didn’t think the political climate in Wyoming would allow for government-sponsored pot growing. Perhaps a government-sponsored distribution of assault rifles to preschoolers, but pot? It’s just too controversial.
“Do you have a better idea?” he griped.
“I do,” I said. “And it’s better than vegetables!”
What follows is an excerpt from the application Jed and I submitted to the Wyoming Business Council.
“The Community-Based Pole Dancers of Hoback Nation Organization (CBPDHNO), in cooperation with the Center for Erotic Art Enrichment Organization (CEAEO), have partnered to develop an exciting initiative designed to allow adult entertainers to open their own clubs in economically distressed and underserved neighborhoods in Hoback. The 501(c) nonprofit Community Occupational Disrobing Training Organization (CODTO) will provide training in bump and grind, pole swinging, basic stripping technique and education on maximizing tip procurement, as well as providing on-the-job experience, leadership development programs and breast enhancement counseling.
“The partners envision a program that is multifaceted, comprehensive and innovative. Hoback Nation, a culturally deprived neighborhood, has a tremendous need for additional leisure and employment opportunities and it is hoped such recreational options will keep the locals out of coffee shops where a tragic amount of this depressed area’s disposable income is sucked away by Jackson’s notorious caffeine cartel. We anticipate the Wyoming Business Council grant will be an essential and primary part of our program and will add crucial training, educational and entrepreneurial opportunities to local underemployed women, who too often face sexism in the work place.”